Who am I?

Over the years, I’ve had a number of conversations with women who are feeling distraught and lost because they don’t know who they are anymore.  Have you ever felt that way?

These moments may arise when you’re entering a new life stage where your attention is no longer focused outside of yourself, for example retirement, children becoming more independent, children leaving home, a relationship break up, or no longer being needed in a carer’s role for ageing parents. 

The comments I hear often go something like this (do you hear yourself saying one or more of these?).

Now there’s time to think about me, I realise I don’t know who I am anymore. 

When the kids were little/I was working/I was in that relationship/I was looking after my mum, I had to put ‘me’ down to focus on others and now they don’t ‘need’ me I can pick ‘me’ up again.  But I don’t know where to start. 

I know I’ve changed, but in some ways I haven’t.  There are old hurts that I never really dealt with, do I really want to poke around in there?  But part of me is really unhappy because I’ve lost connection with myself. 

I want my life to mean something, I want it to have purpose, but where do I start with that journey?

It can feel so overwhelming!

Starting down a pathway of getting to know who you are again can be daunting.  It can feel overwhelming because it seems there are so many ways you could go, and the not knowing where to start just adds to it!

Part of the reason you may feel overwhelmed is because you can’t see the direction you need to move in or the destination. 

How can you start if you don’t know where you’re going? 

Well, sometimes you just need to take the first step. 

Once you’ve made that step, then take the next one. And then the one after that. 

You may be used to having to be super organised with your kids, your job, your relationship, or your caring role, just to stay on top of it all!  But the good news is with self-discovery you don’t have to be that organised.  In fact, it’s really hard to apply organisation as such because you can’t put a ‘due date’ on your own inward journey.  Each step will take as long as it takes.  There will be detours and mystery tours, rest stops, and moments you’ll just want bathe in and soak up. 

What’s the first step?

Give yourself permission to just take the first step – which you have by recognising you want to get to know yourself better and do something about it. 

The next step is to breathe.  

You don’t have to rush this.  Give it the time it takes.  Give yourself the space to notice ‘you’.

And after that?

From that point, here are a few suggestions to help you move forward:

• Learn to meditate in a course or class where there are journalling questions included that will guide you through reflecting on the meditation and yourself. Meditation will help you build awareness of your thoughts, your body, sensations and feelings, and help you gain insights to questions you may have. 

• Read a book such as You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay or The Desire Map by Danielle La Porte, and complete the exercises they contain.  These books guide you through self-exploration in different ways and both have made an enormous difference in my life.

• Find an in-person or online retreat or workshop that appeals to you.  This may focus on self-care, self-discovery, or around an activity you love to do.  Being guided through a process or having the opportunity to connect with other people on the same journey can be so beneficial.

• Work with a professional experienced in personal development such as a life coach, kinesiologist, or art therapist, who can help you explore how you’re feeling now, define where you want to go, and create a road map for getting there.