When loss sits alongside happiness…
Have you ever experienced a life change that’s absolutetly wonderful yet you feel like you’ve lost something, lost a part of yourself. So you end up feeling guilty or ashamed about feeling any kind of loss at all. Or perhaps you feel silly for mourning something when there’s so much around you to be grateful for!
Here, I’m talking about a type of identity shift that happens when you start something new, such as a new relationship, discovering you’re pregnant, having a baby and bringing them home, or even moving to a new home. There’s so much you love about your new life, where you live, who you’re sharing it with, the daily excitement of discovering something new…and yet, a part of you is unsettled.
Somewhere inside of you is a fragile shell that feels sad, or forgotten, or a little lost and confused, because you’ve had to say goodbye to a part of you. That part may be your single self (remember all the fun and freedom she had?!), your child-free self (who could stay in bed as long as she chose, stay out late, meet up with friends at a moment’s notice, or head away for a weekend break), your pre-pregnant body (will I ever fit into those clothes again??), or your sense of a safe home base (I know nothing about this new neighbourhood – what will it be like? I miss my old hang outs).
When there are so many great things happening, it can feel disconcerting to also feel loss. You may feel guilty that you’re missing those things or that part of you, after all you love your new partner, your pregnancy, your baby, your new house – why can’t you just be happy? And yet…
When going through a transition there are always endings. Things must end to create space for new beginnings, and where there are endings (and even new beginnings) there are emotions as we farewell, part, separate. While you might consciously ‘know all this’ in theory, it doesn’t make the loss feel any less in practice, and it’s important to acknowledge that loss. It’s so important during transition to honour how you feel. The shake up of emotions is a normal part of change, of self-evolution. Allow yourself to feel the loss. Acknowledge the sadness of farewelling that part of yourself. Give yourself permission to grieve.
The flipside is, if you don’t acknowledge the loss and the sadness and allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, you’ll continue to carry the guilt (or whatever feeling you’re experiencing) about your split self (one part happy, one part not so much) for a very, very long time. That guilt (or whatever it is for you) has the potential to grow to resentment about your new life because you may ultimately see it as the ‘cause’ of the negativity you’re feeling deep inside...and life can go in many different directions from that point.
Which way would you rather things go?
